High school note-passing and other hormone-fuelled adventures.

I never meant for this blog to be a paean to my teen years, but it's a theme that keeps popping up and I must write when I'm inspired.

Such inspiration came last night when I read this post by Stoop Mama, where she finds her husband's Junior High love letters and publishes the best bits. I was ROFLWAFFLING all over my LOLERSKATES. My favourite?

: I love to just sit in my room, with soft music on, and think about you.


Unfortunately I threw all* my love letters away when I was 16 because I thought it was ridiculous to keep such things. I regret that, simply because it would have made a great post!

What I do have is my collection of school notes from my best friend Kylie. I explain about her and my last year of high school in 1996 here. She was hilarious, so I'm going to share some snippets of our angst-filled sixteen-year-old selves, where we a little bit mean, a lot boy crazy and mostly confused and clueless, which makes for a complex combination. Enjoy.


Scott Wolf is so godly, Dave Duchovny is so sexy, and my love life is non-existent while both of these gods have meaningful relationships with goddesses with perfect figures and great heads when they could be with me. Dumb idiots.
****
I'm looking for a brown-eyed Sagittarius, personally. Now, if you know any good looking Males, brown eyed (not necessarily long haired... mmm nup, changed my mind, long hair is a requirement to qualify for the Kylie Club of Babelicious Gods).
****
I still and always cherish our times and our precious Disney rituals forever and never forget how hard you made me laugh (til I actually cried), and those times you stood by me through all the bad times eg: parent troubles, boy troubles and PMS.
****
I'm glad you're not boyfriendless anymore. You deserve somebody special. Don't let this offend you, because Joel is definitely a very nice person, but you didn't even give Marcus lush babe, beast, god, heavenly creature (get the idea), you didn't give him a chance.
Freak.
Anyone with a brother like him is definitely worth a shot. Although he is in Year 8.
****
DEAR MR EDITOR
I'M WRITING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR ABSENSE TO THE STATE OF WESTERN AUSTRALIA AND WOULD BE MOST APPRECIATIVE FOR YOUR RETURN BACK IMMEDIATELY.
****
I hate my sister right now at this moment. I went down to "my" house to pin up two Scott Wolf posters and an Alanis poster, and she walked in with crumbly bikkies and I said please don't eat them in my room because I'll have to clean up the mess. 
****

Guess what T**** [girl who was going out with my recent ex-boyfriend] said? "He is really pissing me off, he's so boring and ordinary, I need excitement in my life. I've always been like that!" 

So I said "Why don't you dump him then?" (IDIOT FEATURES)

She goes, after flicking her blonde hair with pink streaks from her acne-destroyed poor excuse for a head, "I can't I love him too much".

****

How was your date with John? Sorry I didn't come over, my mum came home and couldn't take me, because as soon as she came home she went back out, leaving the call control on. I actually feel as though I flaked on you, what did you end up wearing? 
****
(After she'd spent the most of the first day of her new school hiding in the toilets) Lunch time is not over yet and people in here probably think I am masturbating, which is a great start to life at a new school. 


It's good hearing all the goss though. Some girl got really pissed the night of the sky show and got on with this mega babe. Another girl went shopping and bought a new bra, shorts, jeans and a top. Someone else said Year 8s who wear Cons should be bashed.
****
I think I should send these letters to you in case you think I've forgotten you. I'm sure your letters to me are probably stuck in a box or mistaken for important documents to NASA and were accidentally sent to space or something.
****
They call me depression,
And you wonder why?
Because I'm fucking depressed 
you dense bitch
>> my poem. I call it "Why is My Body Changing?" Relevance to the poem... none.
****
It's now 9.30, first of all, guess who was on the phone? J. I had to say goodbye to him at 8.25pm because my stupid too-smart-at-maths-for-her-own-good-ruining-my-social-life-and-a-chance-to-speak-with-J-tutor arrived.
****
Yay! -> My new word, YAY. Pronounced = yay.
****
You never knew me when I had a nice bum, did you? I actually think it really jeopardizes our friendship, and until my bum is firm, we can't be mates.
****


So there you have it. A window into our complicated lives. Did you keep your teen correspondence? Love letters? Have a super-best friend you passed notes with? Tell me all about it :)




*When I say "all" my love letters, it means about two. I wasn't popular much!

My Style File

I was walking along recently, looking at my feet, and realised: these shoes are me. I am these shoes. If I were to pick a piece of apparel that summed me up, it would be them. So I got to thinking - what else is my "uniform"? sure I can rock a pair of heels when needed, or a very fabulous dress for a night out, but they're not what encapsulates what I'm about.

These shoes are what I'm about. Sneakers. Whether Converse, Vans, Macbeths... any kind of funky sneaker is going to be on my feet. I wear them with dresses, pants or shorts and I'm not fussy. I will MAKE it work. It's sad that I live in such a hot climate, so wear flip-flops most of the time, but as soon as the weather cools, these things go back on my feet.

Cutoff denim shorts. It may be very Huck Finn, but I can be found in these pretty much all summer, spring and autumn. Winter changes these to tights or leggings (yes, I'm one of THOSE PEOPLE who wear tights as pants)... but for as long as I can get away with, I'm wearing them. I made these ones about six years ago with a pair of $30 Jay Jays jeans. They are now my favourite pair and I get sad when they're in the wash. That's when I hang off my closet doors and moan "but I've got nothing to weaaarrrrr!". When I was heavily pregnant and had to put them away for a while, I made a pair of maternity cutoffs. True story.

Funky bangles. They can make such a difference to an outfit. This one is my current favourite - I saw a  fellow Instagrammer post this in my feed and I commented underneath I needed to own it. Two weeks and $40 later, this pretty little thing turned up on my doorstep. It is made of buffalo horn, and lovingly etched by the very talented Tenille at Eels Jewellery. At first I was all like "uh I can't wear buffalo horn!", but Tenille explained she used these products in her work because she preferred working with organic, sustainable, recycled and biodegradable materials rather than petro-based plastics and resins. The horn is recycled after the buffalo dies naturally.

Sold.

I have tried so many different hairstyles in my life. Short bobs were my go-to style during high school. Including one memorable disaster just after I'd started a new school, which rendered me an outcast on my second day. My hair is wavy and completely unmanageable and unbrushable in its natural state - it becomes a mass of dried frizz and is hideous to look at. I can't do bangs because of this and because my forehead is too small so I have to use more hair. I'll never have the silky-straight Asian hair I covet, so I just run with what I've got - long and messy. Believe it or not, it's much easier for me to style when it's like this. I usually wash, braid and sleep. Next morning I control the GROSSNESS with a run-over of the GHD and add a little curl. I've made my peace with the fact I'll never be a wash-and-go gal.

Crazy earrings. Big and dangly. Otherwise they get lost in my mop. These were $5 from K-Mart. My style is also Bargain.

Unusual rings. I have teapots, cupcakes, owls, vintage emeralds - anything I can find that catches my eye. Again, a $5 find from Diva.

Socks, stripes and Hello Kitty. All in one item. A gift from a friend who went to Japan.

Hair accessories. I love headbands, barrettes, bobbles on my elastics, everything. Though most days you'll just find this black bow from Diva.

 Roomy, yet semi-fitted tops. I like to hide the E-cups and I like to be comfortable. Anything too structured draws attention to my Lego-man shoulders and I cannot stand anything that hugs my armpits.

Vintage watches. Vintage anything, really - brooches, purses, handbags... I love them all. This was a gift from my beloved on our wedding day. It made me cry and ruined my makeup. At least it drew attention away from my boobs...

So what do you like to wear? What is your uniform? What is that one thing that encapsulates YOU?

Ramblings: The Teen Crush Edition

I am watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure right now, and tweeting my progress (we are in danger of failing most heinously, dude). Up pops 1xmum drooling over Keanu Reeves (understandable) and saying that he was a childhood crush she would most definitely meet in a dark alley one night these days.

Same.

But it got me thinking... about my teen crushes. I was a teen from 1993 - 2000, and those years were PRIME for the teen heartthrob. I'm sorry Justin Beaver, before you were born, there were way cute dudes mispronouncing Beethoven. Here they are, in random order:

 Chris Pettiet. Otherwise known as the kid from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. Not only was he really cute, but he stole money to buy his girlfriend a diamond ring. It may have been "just a chip!" but I totally would have let him buy me one.  Preferably after we'd pashed for half an hour.

 THE existential question of my teenhood - Brandon or Dylan? Good vs Bad, leather jacket vs denim, similar haircut vs similar haircut. Do you know to this day, I still don't know who I'd choose?

 Ethan Hawke. There was a little scene in Reality Bites where they're all dancing to My Sharona in a 7-11 and when the clerk looks at him he just does a little bored, rushed, cynical smile. My soul died every time he did. Oh and he could define irony. I was in love.

 Edward Furlong. First ever teen crush. He was so full of bad attitude and crazy hair in Terminator 2, I thought the world would end if we didn't marry. My bedroom walls were covered in posters, and my diary was covered in thoughts of him. Exhibit A:

PDA! PDA!

Exhibit B:

Helpfully found in this:

 Jeremy and/or Jason London. Either one. I'm not fussy. Mallrats, dazed and confused... one of them was married to Neve Campbell in Party of Five for a bit. Now sadly one of them is crazy and tells people he was kidnapped and ordered to smoke weed. A likely story.

 Ohhh Jonathan Brandis. You spent a lot of the '90s on my mind. I used to go to gymnastics class and pretend he was watching and whoever was the best at class that day would get to go on a date with him. In my head I always won.

 I don't think I ever watched anything Leonardo di Caprio was in, but I sure enjoyed the TV hits magazine posters, yessiree bob.

 Skeet Ulrich, I had a crush on you even though I couldn't tell you anything you were ever in or how to pronounce your name. Was it the same as Lars Ulrich from Metallica? Who knew?

Usher made ME wanna leave the one I'm with and start a new relationship with you this is what you doooo...

Ok I've spilled. Who have I forgotten? Who did you write about in your diary? Who would you still do now?

10 Things St Murphy Wishes He Didn't Know About Me.

Merry Memeday, Memesters!

The illustrious St Murphy has tagged me in a recent post of his, explaining that because we're newbie friends and live very far apart, I need to be part of this over-sharing online *because it may be years before we can drink far too many vodka tonics and have a bit of a cry in the bathrooms together, thus cementing our friendship.

Entitled "10 things you didn't know about me", the meme made its way onto St Murphy's site, where he changed it to 10 things one wished one didn't know about him. I'm going to go one step farther. I see your idea and raise you two Minties and a Fantale, if you will.

1. Between the ages of 18 and 26 25 I drank nothing but Jim Beam Real McCoy.
Or some other random cheap bourbon. Very sad, I know, but girl drinks were for SISSIES and I hadn't yet come to the conclusion that bourbon tastes like crushed ants. Toward the end of this period, I discovered the joys of rum in a can...

2. I can pick my nose with my tongue.
I can do no such thing. Despite it being horrifically disgusting, my tongue is just too short. Once when I was getting it pierced, the nice lady had it clamped and was trying her hardest to get me to extend it as far as I could so she could put the needle in. It barely went past my teeth. Small tongue syndrome.

3. I have a menstrual cycle.
Why am I doing this again?

4. My first car was a Datsun 180B 1984  Ford Falcon S.
It was big. And loud. And old and I bought it for $50. Originally it was meant to be $300, but I paid the first instalment and my friend told me not to worry about the rest. I immediately went to fill the tank and it was $60. (obviously a long time ago, thanks very much GFC and various oil crises). The car backfired constantly and kept running on even when I turned the engine off. People used to stop me in the street and tell me my car shouldn't sound like that. Sparks used to come out the exhaust, the accelerator cable snapped, it often wouldn't start unless I got out and whacked the starter motor, and I was once rear-ended by a kid in a Commodore. All I heard was a bang and thought my engine had fallen onto the road, and it was only that the car moved forward when I pushed the pedal that I realised it must have been something else. I sustained a small scratch, the kid's whole front and side panel was destroyed. I ended up selling the car six months later for $100, double what I paid for it.

5. I have never been to atoo many a church service in my life.
As an atheist, once is too many times. I grew up in a Catholic family, and I went to Catholic schools. I used to get the giggles really badly (it was always the blood of the lamb or some other nonsense that got me), and was always terribly bored. Unless the altar boys were cute, and then I spent the entire service trying to catch their eye and looking effortlessly cool. In reality, they never paid any attention to me, and I looked painfully awkard and way too eager. Idiot.

6. I never owned a pet until I was 32 22.I never liked any pets until my sister brought home a cat. I was hooked. I got a ginger kitty at 22 and named him Melancholy, as he was the saddest looking cat I'd ever seen. Of course I never called him that, he morphed into Juan, and I used to make up extensive Spanish back stories for him. He ran away. I can't imagine why.

7. I'm a folder.
I'm an envelope.

8. I still fantasise about starring in my own filmclip something that enables me to wear really good shoes and make out with Brad Pitt.I so wanted to be an actress when I was younger. .I thought for sure I was the one Hollywood was looking for, if only they could find me in my small outback town. I'm still waiting.

9. I've never ever been in a fight.
I've been in four... that I remember. The first was when I was 16, thanks to a girl (I use the term loosely) who used to frequent our hangout and pick us off, one by one. This day it just happened to be my turn. She and her friends walked me to the nearest football field, asked me who hated me, and hit me in the face. I put up my hands and three of her friends joined in. I was rescued by a really cute guy who scared them off and gave me a cigarette. I wasn't hurt at all, but I died of embarrassment that the really cute guy must have thought I was a complete loser and obviously wasn't going to marry me. Sad.

The second was the same year (Perth, what is WITH you?) and someone told someone that I said that her boyfriend cheated. I didn't. A very nice couple came to my rescue and I escaped unharmed...

The third was when my sister asked a psycho girl at a party if she was ok... and copped a smack in the mouth for her trouble. I took to the nasty little psycho smacker until someone pulled me away. First time I'd ever hit anybody in my life.

The fourth was when I asked a psycho girl at a party if she wanted me to call her a cab... and copped a smack in the nose for my trouble. I will never learn.

10. The reason I've been in the same job for the last 13 years is to stockpile stories for my memoirs. Never had a job for longer than a year is that I get bored very easily. And I used to move around a lot because I was just so interesting and independent.

Ok so I'm memeing it on to some fellow memers.... mostly because their answers will make me laugh. And I'm nothing if not selfish.

Redact That
Sarcastic Sidekick


*words may or may not be stuff I just made up and not actually St Murphy's at all...

I Blame Ricky Gervais

Sometimes I have a lot to say. Sometimes it's important, sometimes it's interesting, often it's rambly. And I don't have anybody to say them to except a dribbling five-month-old, a bored cat and the postman.

It is Mr Gervais's fault I have started this blog. I have a food blog, which keeps me busy and keeps readers hungry. But it doesn't allow me to flex my ramble muscle (ooh dirty!) as much as I'd like. So I was toying with the idea of making another one to contain the contents of my over-worked and underpaid mind. Then one day it hit me like a bolt out of the cliche - Ricky's voice screeching "it's the ramblings of a mad man!" ran through my mind and there it was. A name for my new blog. It was like divine permission.

Please direct all your current and future grievances to him. I'ts his fault...